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Woman and Love

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Woman and Love

by Barry Long

A woman wrote to Barry Long:

She had been deeply moved by Barry Longís teaching, particularly with regard to love. Now she was with another master, a man who clearly loved God, but his teaching appeared to contradict much of what had been revealed to her by Barry Long about the nature of man and woman.

The new master was emphatic about the responsibility of the individual. For example, it would be avoidance of responsibility to regard Ďunloving actionsí from men as being in any way responsible for the state of a woman. In confirmation of this, a woman in the group associated with the new master had spoken of experiencing deep peace after surrendering to her abusive husband.

A man in the group had been approaching the correspondent over a period of time and had proposed marriage. She didnít have a wholehearted response to him and was worried about his irresponsible past, including gambling debts. Should she drop her reservations and go with him? Perhaps love would develop in her. Surely a truly loving woman could turn around a manís weaknesses?

The situation had raised great self-doubt in the woman. Had she misled herself with romanticism? Would coming to see Barry Long help her sort it out?

Barry Long's Reply:

It seems that the most difficult thing to grasp for a sincerely motivated woman like you is the simplicity of truth and the simplicity of love; that they are two distinct qualities or states in divine intellect.

The realisation of truth or God alone does not imply the realisation of real love. Love has to be lived and in this piece Iíll be describing precisely what that means. Although the realisation of truth does not lead to the living knowledge of love, the realisation of love through living leads to the realisation of truth.


Your main problem is you have two spiritual masters. So you are divided. Give yourself wholeheartedly to one truth or the other ó and live it. Either way, if you are ready, will lead you to your death while you are alive. But thatís pretty rare.

The reason itís rare is because spiritual aspirants expect to get something from the master, instead of being responsible and dying ó which means not yielding ó to the clamorous ignorance of their human nature. All the master does is point the way according to his realisation. All mastersí realisations differ in method but are the same in end result ó provided the master is really a master of truth and love.

Thereís no doubt that the master you are currently with is a master of truth. But you keep writing to me for answers. If you come back to my teaching I have nothing to give you other than what is already in my books, tapes, videos and writings ó and in my presence and words at my seminars.

While you stay away you are increasingly out of touch with the continuous revelation of my truth. As you would be similarly out of touch with your current master if you left him. You want it both ways which is the human failing in the spiritual life. I canít give you anything. Best to stay where you are ó and really start dying to your troublesome self.

Now to your other problem or confusion.


You are here to enjoy your life. That does not mean pleasing yourself. The word enjoy derives from the Latin, to rejoice; and the shorter version is joy. Joy in our human ignorance has become synonymous with pleasure and getting. But joy is not pleasure or an effect of getting; it is simply joy. And if you (or anyone) donít know in your own experience what Iím speaking of youíre dead from the body up.

You are woman, the intelligence of God in female form. That state is realised, made real as your living life, by you becoming more intelligent. And you become more intelligent through experience.

Most experience leads to knowing. Knowing relates to the world: how to drive a car, run a business, be a doctor, a scientist or to do or become anything. It involves an accumulation of experience which is supposed to culminate in what the world would call an expert, connoisseur, genius, or something. Thatís knowing. To know anything requires only the senses and the common human intelligence of awareness.

But knowing, no matter how impressive, cannot lead to the realisation of God in female or male form. That requires knowledge.

Knowing is not knowledge.

Knowledge certainly requires experience, but the experience of your whole life from the time you were born. That totality of experience is common to everyone. But what finally produces knowledge out of experience is the capacity to be CONSCIOUS of experience rather than being just aware.

To be conscious of experience is to be free as an uninterrupted state within of personal consideration, which adds up to being free of fear. It also means being free of aimless thought and bothersome emotions. You are then innocent ó and life is seen without interpretation for the simplicity it is.

Conscious love between man and woman is the ultimate state of knowledge in existence. It requires a high degree of intelligence or consciousness. That does not mean such intelligence is not within everyoneís reach. The intelligence is there for all ó provided the individual has acquired sufficient knowledge of what appears to be love in existence between man and woman.

The most immediately available experience for this is the love life. For love in existence, despite any protestations to the contrary, begins with the irresistible attraction between man and woman. Itís what makes the world continue, or makes the world go round, as they say.


What does conscious knowledge of love between man and woman teach woman? What has it taught you about man? Iíll answer for you. Man hurts.

Every woman on earth has been hurt by manís love. If she hasnít, she hasnít lived. But the question is, why does she keep getting hurt? Why does she keep going back for more pain, more passing pleasure and passion, more heartbreak, familiarity, disillusionment, disappointment and confusion?

The explanation, like truth, is simple: after all her experience she still hasnít REALISED that manís love, the way he loves, hurts. Oh, she KNOWS it; but itís still the unconsciousness of knowing, not knowledge. The result is she keeps hoping and trying; and eventually compromises with manís love; or she cuts off from him in frustration or fear; or turns to her own gender for love; or busies herself in the world; or finds cruel solace in drugs or alcohol.

And yet every woman has yearned within for completion with man which she has correctly intuited (like you) somehow exists. But the message from all the men of truth on the world scene that I know of, is that in having that conviction, youíre a romantic ó a pathetic female whose intuition or knowledge of love is inferior to theirs. To me, if love is not continuous romance itís not love. And what is romance? Romance, to me, is constant delight. But in existence, it takes two.

Your difficulty is that you havenít learned yet from your experience, havenít made your intuition real. You are thinking of being with a man who says he loves you, has asked you to marry him and yet you donít have a Ďwholehearted response back to himí. You say he Ďbrings with him a rather irresponsible legacy of gambling debts that you find not very inspiring of confidence in him as Maní. You find your Ďheart sinking at the prospect of taking on yet more turgidity and denseness.í

Are you crazy? You want to go in there again and suffer, of your own volition? You have the usual forlorn hope of reforming man even though you donít love him (which if you did passionately enough might make a bit of a difference but I wouldnít wager your life on it). Youíre tempted to take on this man and his problems. What a predictable disaster for love on earth.

How could you possibly enjoy your life tied to such a partnership which would certainly end miserably anyway, like all your (and every womanís) previous love relationships with man?


There is of course a simple explanation in truth for your seeming compassion for the man; for your considering taking him on ó and for your instinctive reluctance to do so.

Woman in essence is a divine creature, all pure love. She is a consciousness, a principle embodying mother, sister, daughter, lover, comforter, nourisher, God ó all at once in female form. But only when she is conscious.

Such consciousness is now. Thereís no time in it. Without the consciousness woman clings to her various experiences as woman and becomes each one at different times ó hence mother, daughter, lover etc. To be all those attributes at once is beyond simultaneous knowing. To have or be that pure knowledge, you canít know anything. Youíre just what you are, action, and stillness within, moment to moment; but with the knowledge that you must be true to love or the indescribable Ďthatí which you are.

Woman today is semiconscious more or less. Instead of being the precious knowledge or consciousness of love that living has revealed to her, she divides herself emotionally into the confusion of being sometimes mother (of her children as well as of man), sometimes lover, sometimes sister, sometimes daughter, nourisher, comforter.

And sometimes ó very rarely ó she sees in her own experience the futility of trying to change man or teach him about the reality of love. To think that she can change him is her major error.


All love in existence begins with woman. Without womanís womb there would be no one to love or be loved. Manís semen may be the means; but it is woman who carries the burden and the pain of giving birth to love. Hers is the first sacrifice for love.

Nonetheless, true love is manís essence. But it is concealed under great layers of ignorance ó of millennia of notions of female inferiority and weakness. This has been nourished by his forceful intellectual knowing and success in exploiting her in all areas of love and relationship.

He cannot be taught by woman. He is too arrogant in the certainty of his knowing. Knowledge he may have, even of God the ultimate truth outside existence. But knowledge of love he no longer has. Only in one way can he restore himself and be restored to the full glory of his divine role in existence.

Man must love woman. Not any woman. Any woman will fall again for his sweet talk, his promises, his apparent well-meaning sincerity, his cute little-boy-lost look, his sexual prowess; and particularly sheíll succumb to her own certainty that her love can transform him. Or she will give in to her feelings of insecurity, her longing to be loved or her imagined sexual need. Or sheíll just use him, mislead him, badger him and leave him in one way or another.


The only woman man can really love (so that through her he can realise God as love in existence) is a conscious woman, a woman who will not compromise with him in love. This despite something inside her howling for compromise ó for all the best possible reasons that her mind and other people will throw up. This is a woman who has realised as her own unshakable knowledge that manís love, the way he is, hurts and causes ongoing pain.

Not just ongoing pain for her if she compromises, but for all women everywhere.

Thus does the task and knowledge of such a woman take her consciousness beyond the world of personal love which clogs and holds back the evolution of real love on earth. Hers is now a cosmic endeavour, although the woman herself will not know this. Some woman has to do it and this is the woman ó a female catalyst in the divine or cosmic plan which even the great masters of truth, by what theyíve left us, have had little knowledge of.

This woman is potential in every adult woman who is prepared to die to self consideration for loveís sake ó without expecting a result or to get something in return. Sufficient for her ó because she has no choice ó is the knowledge and consciousness of real love free of knowing or wanting. She is indeed alone.

Only for the love of such a woman will man give up the selfishness that keeps him from realising the principle of divine love that he is. But where is she? Where is she out there?

Sheís not there until man is truly willing to love and change. Then she appears for him. Otherwise heís involved in a futile search. If he wants her, he must die for love first.


To love such a woman by dying for love man must give up his negativity, self-doubt, independence, reservations, imagined authority and fear of love. She will not harangue him or make emotional demands on him. To her that would not be love.

He loves her because he canít help it. Heís humble enough to see the strength of the consciousness in her that will not compromise true love. And yet she never assumes to be that or to be anything special. She is only special to him.

He wants nothing more than to be with her, live with her, be always by her side and to care for her. (All that of course will have a familiar ring for most women. The man really means it from his deepest place within. But something gross and beneath him intervenes ó his self, his fear of losing his independence which for a time he was able to suppress in the face of the wonder and glory of love. So he woos her, declares his love for her and ≠ after the initial joy of getting together ≠ gradually or subtly backs away in familiarity, companionship or disinterest.)

Above all, the man of love realises in his own being (and not because she told him) that while he is subservient to his negative independent self she cannot love him with the conscious God-love that she is ó even though she does in truth love him. Above all for her, she must be true to the truth and love she is.

In that way does such a woman bring man back to love ó without doing anything apart from being true. And man does it for himself. However, for him to love the consciousness of woman like this, he will have an innate love of God ó which amazingly is simply what he loves in her. In other words, when the love is complete between them, God is loving God with nothing in between. Truth is then realised at the same time as love.


You mentioned in your letter how a woman who had been with your master longer than you, surrendered utterly to her abusive husband and one day realised there was no need for him to change as she had previously thought. Your master had counselled her to surrender to the abuse because any resistance was only her fear of pain and death.

Well, what a daddy of a misconception of love that is.

Let me tell you what happened to the woman, or in her. She realised a degree of the truth beyond existence, which is always a delight for me to hear. Nonetheless, anyone inwardly committed (by grace) to truth may do this by total surrender in a continuously oppressive situation from which there seems to be no way out. But there has to be some conscious recognition of God to surrender to; otherwise it is resignation, and resignation is just another aspect of human ignorance.

But for this particular woman there was a way out. The woman could have left the man. She would then have served the man and served the cosmic evolution of love on earth. As it was, she had to do what she did. But I can say that though the woman knows something of the power of surrender, she has not realised the power and fulfillment of love.

Love is not truth. Love is only in existence. And here is where it needs to be ≠ where man and woman abuse each other, torture each other and ceaselessly endeavour through such ignorance to live with each other. To put up with an abusive partner might serve the divine self-centredness necessary for realising truth by one individual. But it wonít contribute one iota to love on this benighted planet. Truth here without the mystery and romance of love is like a sea without salt.

What is it that every woman fundamentally craves for? Like you?


What is manís fundamental craving? To retain his independence and then (as a substitute for love) to seek power over nature or people instead of over his self. Of course the rare man (by grace) gives his life to truth through the process of self-mastery. But the rarest man after realising the truth gives his life not only to truth but to the awakening (by grace) of the principle of divine love between man and woman.

If anyone who has realised the truth or a degree of it, asks why in that precious moment of truth they knew extraordinary love, hereís the answer.

Your self is all that is in existence. It is the only barrier to the realisation of divine love implicit in every body.

The love of God or the mystical life slowly reduces the virulent ignorance of self. At a point in many peopleís lives truth dissolves the self-ishness more or less. In that moment self realises itself (more or less) as love which it always was before being corrupted and burdened by the mind and emotions. And a welling of love occurs, sometimes a great welling.

But such realisations of love are not complete, not enough to bring about enduring vital and fulfilling love between a man and woman here in existence. Not enough to make a difference to the cosmic evolution of love on earth

For that, initially, a woman of real love is needed.

How about you?

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